HAM RADIO AND ELECTRONIC HUMOR

If you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife".

If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner

If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie

If you want an 8X CD-ROM for Christmas

If Dilbert is your hero

If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE

If you can name six Star Trek episodes

If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail

If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50

If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place

If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kid's toys

If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car

If you use coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts

If at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt out bulb in the string

If you window shop at Radio Shack

If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies

If you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area

If you carry on a one hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run

If you are convinced you can build a phaser out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment - and you do

If you have modified your can opener to be microprocessor driven

If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush

If you own "Official Star Trek" anything

If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside

If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception

If you have ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project.

If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor

If you own one or more white short sleeved dress shirts

If you have never backed up your hard drive

If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud

If you truly believe aliens live amongst us

If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance

If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is"

If you see a good design and still have to change it

If the salespeople at PC World can't answer any of your questions

If you still own a slide rule and still know how to work it

If the though that a CD could refer to finance or to music never enters your mind

If you own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers, but you don't remember where they are

If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tyres

If you have more toys than your kids

If you need a checklist to turn on your TV

If you introduced your kids by the wrong name

If you a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work

If your IQ number is bigger than your weight

If the microphone, or the visual aids, at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it

If you can remember seven computer passwords but not your anniversary

If you have memorised the program schedule for the discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already

If you have ever owned a calculator with no "=" key and know what "RPN" stands for

If your father sat two inches in front of your families first colour TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colours, and you grew up thinking that was normal

If you know how to take the cover off your computer, and what size screwdriver to use

If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting

If people groan at the party when you pick out the music

If you can't remember where you parked your car for the third time this week

If you did the sound system for your senior prom

If your chequebook always balances

If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone

If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life

If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers

If you think that when people around you yawn, its because they didn't get enough sleep

If you spend more on your home computer than your car

If you know what "http" stands for

If you have ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio

If you have ever neatly sorted a collection of old nuts and bolts in your garage

If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try and explain atmosphere absorption theory

If your laptop computer costs more than your car.

If your four basic food groups are:1 Caffeine

2 Fat

3 Sugar

4 Chocolate

(FROM  http://www.qsl.net/g3pto )

(FROM  http://www.qsl.net/g3pto )

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were asked to review this mathematical problem. In a high school gym, all the girls in the class were lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Then, every ten seconds, they walked toward each other until they were half the previous distance apart. The mathematician, physicist, and engineer were asked, " When will the girls and boys meet?" The mathematician said, " Never." The physicist said, " In an infinite amount of time." The engineer said, " Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all practical purposes."

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small " x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, This is where your problem is" . The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1 Knowing where to put it $49,999. It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

The Top 10 Things Engineering School Didn't Teach

1. There are at least 10 types of capacitors.
2. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work.
3. Not everything works according to the specs in the data book.
4. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.
5. Always try to fix the hardware with software.
6. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.
7. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?
8. Managers, not engineers, rule the world.
9. If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, go into software.
10. Dilbert is a documentary.

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

The graduate with a Science degree asks, " Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, " How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, " How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, " Do you want fries with that?"

Engineers think that equations approximate the real world.
Scientists think that the real world approximates equations.
Mathematicians are unable to make the connection...

A priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined. The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens. He declares that he's been saved by divine intervention, so he's let go. The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the blade. He claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and he is set free too. They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, " Wait a minute, I see your problem......"

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, " I like both." " Both?" the architect and artist asked. " Yeah" said the engineer. " If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle. " Where did you get such a rockin' bike?" asked the first. The second engineer replied " Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'" The second engineer nodded approvingly " Good choice! The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

A PESSIMIST sees a glass that's half empty

An OPTIMIST sees a glass that's half full

AN ENGINEER sees a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be

A life long engineer retired and was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.

The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.

"Now what ?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.

"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.

"Oh great !" Now you tell me." said the engineer in a disgusted tone.

"You can't spell Geek without EE."

You Might Be An Engineer If...

• You have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
• You enjoy pain.
• You know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
• You chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force".
• You've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
• It is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
• You frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver".
• You know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
• You think in "math".
• You've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
• You hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function.
• You have a pet named after a scientist.
• You laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
• The Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment.
• You can translate English into Binary.
• You can't remember what's behind the door in the engineering building which says "Exit".
• You have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.
• You are completely addicted to caffeine.
• You avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.
• You consider ANY non-engineering course "easy".
• When your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.
• The "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
• You'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.
• The blinking 12:00 on someone's VCR draws you in like a tractor beam to fix it.
• You bring a computer manual / technical journal as vacation reading.
• The salesperson at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.
• You can't help eavesdropping in computer stores... and correcting the salesperson.
• You're in line for the guillotine... it stops working properly... and you offer to fix it.
• You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards to see how they do the special effects.
• You have any "Dilbert" comics displayed in your work area.
• You have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.
• You have never backed up your hard drive.
• You haven't bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married.
• You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring.
• You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.
• You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon
• You've ever calculated how much you make per second.
• Your favorite James Bond character is "Q," the guy who makes the gadgets.
• You understood more than five of these jokes.
• You make a copy of this list, and post it on your door (or your home page !)

A Microsoft Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.

PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan,
And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com

Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way

>From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,

It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,
It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist -
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"

And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,

As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS, and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.

Handy Engineering Conversions
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie soda = 1 lite year
1000 aches = 1 kilohurtz
1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

Changing a Light Bulb
How many computer engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
"Why bother? The socket will be obsolete in six months anyway."

How many mechanical engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Five: One to decide which way the bulb ought to turn, one to calculate the force required, one to design a tool to turn the bulb, one to design a comfortable - but functional - hand grip, and one to use all this equipment.

How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven: One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

Rules of the Lab
1. When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
2. Experiments must be reproducible. They should fail the same way each time.
3. Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
4. A record of data is essential. It shows you were working.
5. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
6. Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.
7. All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.

Airline Humor
Here are actual humorous statements by several airline flight crews. Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight safety lecture a bit more entertaining. Some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."

And, after landing:

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every
other seat belt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

Understanding Engineers

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." and asks the keeper:

"What's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving school children from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Real Engineers... Real Engineers consider themselves well dressed if their socks match

Real Engineers buy their spouses a set of matched screw- drivers for their birthday.

Real Engineers wear moustaches or beards for "efficiency". Not because they're lazy.

Real engineers have a non-technial vocbulary of 800 words.

Real Engineers think a "biting wit" is their fox terrier.

Real Engineers know the second law of thermodynamics - but not their own shirt size.

Real Engineers repair their own cameras, telephones, tele- visions, watches, and automatic transmissions.

Real Engineers say "It's 70 degrees Farenheit, 25 degrees Celius, and 298 degrees Kelvin" and all you say is "Isn't it a nice day"

Real Engineers give you the feeling you're having a con- versation with a dial tone or busy signal.

Real Engineers wear badges so they don't forget who they are. Sometimes a note is attached saying "Don't offer me a ride today. I drove my own car".

Real Engineers' politics run towards acquiring a parking space with their name on it and an office with a window.

Real Engineers know the "ABC's of Infrared" from A to B.

Real Engineers rotate their tires for laughs. Real Engineers will make four sets of drawings (with seven revisions) before making a bird bath.

Real Engineers' briefcases contain a Philips screwdriver, a copy of "Quantum Physics", and a half of a peanut butter sandwich.

 Real Engineers don't find the above at all funny. -- Anonymous --

Automotive Engineer vs. Vanilla Ice Cream

A complaint was received by the Pontiac Division of General Motors: "This is the second time I have written you, and I don't blame you for not answering me, because I kind of sounded crazy, but it is a fact that we have a tradition in our family of ice cream for dessert after dinner each night. But the kind of ice cream varies so, every night, after we've eaten, the whole family votes on which kind of ice cream we should have and I drive down to the store to get it. It's also a fact that I recently purchased a new Pontiac and since then my trips to the store have created a problem. You see, every time I buy vanilla ice cream, when I start back from the store my car won't start. If I get any other kind of ice cream, the car starts just fine. I want you to know I'm serious about this question, no matter how silly it sounds: 'What is there about a Pontiac that makes it not start when I get vanilla ice cream, and easy to start whenever I get any other kind?'"

The Pontiac President was understandably skeptical about the letter, but sent an engineer to check it out anyway. The latter was surprised to be greeted by a successful, obviously well educated man in a fine neighborhood. He had arranged to meet the man just after dinner time, so the two hopped into the car and drove to the ice cream store. It was vanilla ice cream that night and, sure enough, after they came back to the car, it wouldn't start.

The engineer returned for three more nights. The first night, the man got chocolate. The car started. The second night, he got strawberry. The car started. The third night he ordered vanilla. The car failed to start.

Now the engineer, being a logical man, refused to believe that this man's car was allergic to vanilla ice cream. He arranged, therefore, to continue his visits for as long as it took to solve the problem. And toward this end he began to take notes: he jotted down all sorts of data, time of day, type of gas used, time to drive back and forth, etc.

In a short time, he had a clue: the man took less time to buy vanilla than any other flavor. Why? The answer was in the layout of the store. Vanilla, being the most popular flavor, was in a separate case at the front of the store for quick pickup. All the other flavors were kept in the back of the store at a different counter where it took considerably longer to find the flavor and get checked out.

Now the question for the engineer was why the car wouldn't start when it took less time. Once time became the problem -- not the vanilla ice cream -- the engineer quickly came up with the answer: vapor lock. It was happening every night, but the extra time taken to get the other flavors allowed the engine to cool down sufficiently to start. When the man got vanilla, the engine was still too hot for the vapor lock to dissipate.

Moral of the story: Even insane looking problems are sometimes real

Keyboard - a board upon which electric switches are mounted [in telegraphy.]

Blow Off - In steam engineering, a term applied to the act of letting out water and steam from a boiler to carry off accumulated mud and scale.

Fishing Box - In a conduit system of wiring, a name sometimes given to a junction box at which splices may be made and wires may be "fished" through.

Frog Galvanoscope - The employment of the hind legs of a recently killed frog to illustrate the presence of electricity. The experiment originated with Galvani in 1786 who discovered that when the muscles of the legs touched two dissimilar metals in contact with each other, a contraction of the muscles took place. (We want to know how he thought of this in the first place!)

Head Guy - A guy fastened to the top of a telegraph pole.

Making earth - connecting a telegraph circuit to the earth; grounding.

Mho - a unit of electrical conductance, being the reciprocal of the ohm, the unit of resistance.

Sand Box - in electric traction, a box of sand carried by a car for the purpose of sprinkling it along the track in order to prevent slipping of the wheels.

Suji Muji - a term from the Hindustani, for a composition of lime and soda to remove old paint; a cleansing powder for washing paint work, etc.

Undertaker - A term sometimes applied to a person who furnishes electrical energy for lighting or other purposes.

Electrical Engineer Song

100 buckets of bits on the bus,
100 buckets of bits,
Take one down, short it to ground,
FF buckets of bits on the bus